Last Updated: June 21, 2022
Things I will probably never get a chance to do
- Be unmasked as an impostor.
- "Frown on" something. "The gigatron stomped across the bleak horizon, murdering millions and unleashing torrents of blood across the scorched land. The Dust Council frowned upon that."
- "Jet set," as a verb, or be part of the "jet set," the noun. This is highly improbable.
- "Summer," as a verb - the sort of thing a certain class does in the Hamptons, or Martha's Vineyard. As a life-long suburban jabroni, this is not an option available to me, on account of, my Marxist friends assure me, class struggle. More to the point, I am unsure what to do with crustless watercress sandwiches. Also I think if wine was served and I was given a taste to determine "corked-ness," they would see through the awkward pantomime of furrowing my eyebrow in concentration and then saying "fine," because I have no idea what corked wine tastes like. On account of being a life-long suburban jabroni.
- "Go on the lam." It just sounds like a lot of bother.
- Be described as "in the wind," although this is something worth expending effort toward because it sounds cool as hell. I wish I was "in the wind" right now.
- "Take a look-see." Although I have, on occasion, endeavored to undertake the yankee equivalent thereof.
- "Make the scene." Any scene. I would have been the guy Eddie Deezen attempted to shove into the locker in Grease.
- "Pound sand." I am unlikely to ever pound sand, the many entreaties to do so notwithstanding. I have, however, kicked rocks of my own accord.
- "Go on the Warpath." The french fries were undersalted, and now so-and-so is 'on the warpath.' This is a silly phrase.
- Be spotted "suckin' on a chili dog outside the Tastee-Freez." As a chili dog enthusiast and infamous consumer of chili dogs, this has always confused and agitated me.
- "Vogue," in the Madonna sense of the term. I tried to vogue once and blinded three ornery Teamsters by mistake, which was not, and I am emphatic about this, my finest moment. Worse yet, the Teamsters became ornery-er. Ornerier. That's actually a word, "ornerier." Check it out. Wow, that hurts to look at.